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should consultants be fussy about who they work for?

It is 2012 AD as far as earth years are concerned, but on the planet Skaro the Dalek council is in session. Before them they have a quivering PR team of humans whose latest slide show presentation of demographics, media hits and market penetration media management speak has failed to impress.

“You have failed! Our image has not been improved! You will be exterminated” intones the Dalek leader. Three other Daleks move in, their weapons emit a stream of vapour and the PR team, together with lap top and SVGA presenter are no more.

The senior Dalek turns on a colleague; “You too have failed us! This was your idea! We are no nearer our goal of Earth domination! You will also be exterminated!” The three executioner Daleks do their thing and one of the council is no more.

“We need a new idea! How can we finally establish ourselves on Earth?! How can we find a way to be there that this Time Lord cannot defeat! Speak now!”

“I have an idea!” says another of the council.

“Speak of it!” commands their leader.

The Dalek’s plunger device  taps a button on the desk before it and an image appears on the big screen that moments before had displayed the pic charts and pretty graphics of the erstwhile PR guru. This image is one that includes a photo of a rather large, smiling, human in a blue jacket that accompanies some text. It is a page from a magazine.

“Another Earthling!!” shrieks the Dalek leader. “Humans must be exterminated! All non Dalek life forms must be exterminated!” (Fortunately, or not depending on your viewpoint, Michael Winner does not appear at this point to suggest that the Dalek calms down dear).

“Yes, another Earthling, but one that has recently written about Daleks in a favourable light and has suggested that we would be welcomed! We have examined his web site and he claims to make things happen! If he is of no use we will exterminate him! If he helps us we will exterminate him! Why should we not try?!” explains the other Dalek. “He is sympathetic to our cause! He issues propaganda to say that we should be welcomed! He puts these ideas forward on their primitive Internet! Humans read his ideas on their personal communicators’! He is not a time lord and we can use him! We are superior beings!”

There is much nodding of vision stalks around the council chamber at these words.

“Bring him!” said the leader.

And so ThatConsultantBloke found himself facing the Dalek council, considering their problem. “I have a solution” he told them, “but there is the matter of my fee. Here is my standard contract for consultancy projects” he said, producing a document and placing it before the leader. The Dalek viewed it briefly, then vaporised it.

TCB shrugs, he’s dealt with tough negotiators many times before, “Your approach is wrong, consider the history of what we call the Cold War period on Earth. The Soviet Union put their steel curtain across Europe and both they and the NATO nations spent billions on threat and counter threat, each trying to stay one step ahead of the other, always full of aggression, but with neither side able to even try to launch an attack”

“You have a similar problem as I see it. Back in December 1963 when you tried your first invasion you were thwarted as you have been on every occasion since, but always because you have tried the aggressive approach”.

“We are Daleks! We exterminate all other races! You insult us! You must be exterminated!” screamed one of the council”, raising his weapon.

“Stop!” commanded the Dalek leader, “He has spoken with wisdom! What do you suggest?!”

TCB replied; “Well, look at what happened to the Soviet Union. It crumbled and broke down, the individual nations each rose and joined the European Union whereby the citizens of those nations could openly cross borders. Khrushchev didn’t need to spend billions trying to invade the West; all they had to do was to become EU members and there was nothing to stop a peaceful invasion. There was a dreadful price to pay, for some former Soviet’s had to purchase what we call football clubs, but in general they came and settled amongst us and there is no reason why they cannot begin to rule the nations that they have peacefully invaded.”

“What you need to do is to open a factory in a small EU nation, one of those who are desperate for money will do, and assemble Daleks there so that they can be seen to be made in that nation. Then have them apply to be recognised at citizens. This will not be too hard for there are greedy Lawyers who will plead you case at the Human Rights court on the grounds of racial and ethnic equality. Once you are citizens you can create enough Daleks to become the major part of the population, vote and elect yourselves rulers. You will also have free movement amongst all EU countries and can replicate the process.”

“But we are Daleks! We conquer by exterminating all opposition!”

TCB sighed, “But that hasn’t worked yet has it? You have been banging on with that approach for close on 50 years and haven’t done it yet. Learn from history; the peaceful approach will work. I have shown you how to make it happen, and you have before you a strategy that will enable you to dominate all of Europe, and from there it is up to you. I can also find you jobs in Facilities Management and other areas so that you can be seen as legitimate and useful citizens and give you a positive image as part of the community. Now about my fee?”

A strange noise bursts upon the scene and a blue Police box materialises between TCB and the Dalek council. The door opens; an arm reaches out to grab TCB and pull him inside. The strange klaxon like noise sounds again and the Daleks are left facing an empty space.

Inside the Police box a man addresses TCB, “You fool! Why have you planted that idea? I have to find a new way to stop them now. Consultants! Years of successfully fighting off Daleks and all undone. Well, you’d better come up with a way of helping me stop them when they try your way”

“How much time do I have?” asked TCB

“As long as you need” replied the other, “I am the Doctor, and a Time Lord. I can give you as long as it takes”.

TCB smiled and produced a document from his briefcase, “Well in that case, here is my standard contract for consultancy projects”….

Editor’s Note: It is a public holiday and we have therefore allowed the author to produce a tongue in cheek, if grossly overlength, Monday Musing. It is also his first one following release from hospital and we accept that he may be slightly delusional as he has ceased much of his medication in the last 72 hours.

As of next Monday we expect his writing to resume his normal business standards and his Dalek fixation will be over, but we hope that you are amused by today’s story.

With grateful thanks to Terry Nation and the BBC for their wondrous creation.

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